Happenings of a childhood

When I was small, too small to understand the world I was brought into (Manoj reminds me that I had enlightenment after I met him), I had quite a number of conclusions of my own (some put in their by my parents for their convenience) about everything around me, which means I was highly opiniated (even now, I am).
When I was 2 years old, I was sure that when I grew up, my parents would 'grow small' and then I would be the one who would 'take care' of them (Imagine me wringing and rubbing my hands together with a witchy smile he he he....). And I waited in vain for that golden oppurtunity of retaliation for all that force feeding and branding and the 'no s' and ofcourse those yucky cough syrups Papa pushed down my throat to fight germs. I even dreamt of becoming a doctor and 'treating' Papa with a huge syringe and the biggest needle.
My mother always scared me from swallowing any fruit seeds especially the grape and orange ones and her explanation was, "If you swallow it, it will germinate and will grow out of your ass". Once I accidentaly did swallow a seed and in panic had sleepless nights and kept checking any signs of greenery that would peek out of 'you know where'.
I grew up watching a lot of Hindi movies and had my own undertsanding of marriage and thereafter. I thought that a woman would become pregnant if she just slept beside a man or shared a glass of anything (usually milk, that was what they showed in movies) or just kissed him behind those dancing flowers. Well, please excuse my ignorance, I was unaware of the stork business.
My friends in school always fed my mind with ghosts and those female vampires prominent in our malayalee culture. I did have a vivid imagination and always seemed to have a close encounter of the third and fourth kind (I am pretty sure that Syamalan must have got hold of my ideas somehow). So I jumped at every hoot of the owl, the howl of dogs and always kept my fingers crossed, insisted on wearing my little neck chain with the cross on it even while taking a bath and slept between my parents. I outgrew it to fall into the fellowship of aliens and ETs in my later years till high school.
I so firmly believed in evolution and the forming of different species from an amoeba that I had secrelty kept a pool of dirty water in the backyard, hoping to attract any visiting amoebas in the neighbourhood. After every thunderstorm I went to spy out signs of any 'lifeforms' or atleast a dinosaur emerge out of that 'life' pool.
My father often told me that if I refuse to help my parents at daily chores even fail to get him a glass of water, I would be a lizard in rebirth. Since then I have a had an aversion for those creepy crawlies even though I am free of all the so called childhood beliefs when I became a Christian.
I was so sure that the earth was flat as a table and was quite surprised to learn the contrary in my school science book.
I found it difficult to digest the fact that we humans can have only a second set of teeth in our lifetime while I always felt there was enough time to brush my yellowing teeth after eating chocolates when I grew old and had another fresh set. My mother told me the truth, for once. So I was quite scared when I fell off a swing at grandpa's place and hit my precious new teeth on the hard floor. I was afraid the doctor would insist on removing those front incisors leaving me with a gaping hole which I would have to live with the rest of my life.
When our first TV set arrived, I couldnt resist the urge to look behind the box for better view and even come close to the screen so I can have a wider peek into this new world of images.
There were many other superstitions that were part of my childhood like, never swing your legs over your head when you are lieing on your tummy, do not look in the mirror in the night, dont clap your wet hands, dont clip/bite your nails in the evening, do not whistle and so on.
Coupled with these were my own fears of sirens which I firmly believed was the 'Koku', our family monster's howl before the prowl.
I thought that there was a world opposite to mine beyond my image in the mirror and often tried to catch a glimpse of it by hiding behind the curtain and keeping a watch over it (I should have sued those Hollywood guys for pinching this idea off me).
I firmly believed in the auspisiousness of the right part of your body so much that I insisted on walking on my right foot alone when I went to school especially for exams!
Then there was a time when I felt that whatever I voice out is going to turn negative and all that I think is going to happen. There was always a reversal of this belief at regular intervals.
Then ofcourse I felt someone was watching my everymove and knew every detail about me and years later I was shocked to watch The Truman Show, the Hollywood guys tricked me again...

Now, with my feet firmy planted on the ground and all those fears banished forever from my mind, I am trudging along trying to answer my kids in a 'harmless' way( I still belong to that category of people who are puritans at heart) about birth, humanity and wide wild world.

'Well' wishers

You will know a well wisher when:

1. In school, you are good at studies, your grades are really impressive. But during one exam, you fall ill and sadly couldnt appear for the test. Your mother visits your teacher to let her know of the situation and she expresses her concern. On her way back, mother meets your best friend, she asks about you. She looks really concerned and asks mother, "Aunty what happened to her? Wont she write the exam?" Your mother explains your condition and is glad about your choice of friends until she blurts out, "WOW! If she wont write this time, I will be the topper!"

2. You spend sleepless nights to write an article for the college magazine and submit it before the editors and wait with your fingers crossed. Finally the magazine is published and your article is noticed by few. Yours truly goes through the magazine during the break, has an opinion for every article including the ads but skips your page. You fume.

3. You are dressed up to college in a sari for the first time. You feel beautiful and like a lady sail about the campus until she arrives in a stunning outfit, gives a glance to your side and says, "I like the colour of your sari, but it doesnt look much good on you, 'cos you have have large head and skinny figure, besides your ears stick out and your eys are so small which could be the reason for your big head." And you feel like doing a vanishing act then and there.


4. You wake up early in the morning, after a good night's sleep(no nightmares), the sun is shining and you feel great and fresh, having a positive attitude (unlike other days), ready to take over the world. As you step outside, she would bump into you insisting to delay your appointment, look at you intently for a while and ask you, "What happned to you? You dont seem well today? Are you alright? Your eyes are puffy, your skin looks grey? Didnt you sleep well yesterday?" And your smile fades and your head droops and the sky turns cloudy.

5.You are happy with your marriage. You feel you are taking care of your husband well. But ouyr 'friend' doesnt think so. She pulls you to her side and advices you to 'feed' your husband well. She exclaims, "My, he looks so skinny. Looks like you are having his shar of dinner too", she jokes and you try to hide your vexation. Now, God had blessed you with kids. They are bounding with energy and in your eyes look pretty healthy. Your well wisher apppears and looks worried, "Oh, what happened to them? Were they ill the whole week? Why dont you feed them anything? Just let me have them for a month, I will show you how to tak care of kids this age."

6. You have piled up a few kilos over the years binging and ofcourse in my case, post delivery. You need to desperately to do something about the burden you are carrying about because the doctor has also warned you of the dangers of being in the borderline of obesity. You feel like a whale. Teens have started calling you 'Aunty' (Hey dont you dare, I am still young) and your husband, 'Bhaiyya' though he too is on the heavier side. You feel miserable. Then she meets you (wonder how they find you at the 'right' time), gives you that intent look and then says, "Wow! you've never looked great before. What did you do? I love your complexion and the way you've draped your shawl around, I simply love it. And you just look the same even after having two kids..."making you feel on cloud nine and you immediately abandon the idea of shedding that blubber.

7. Finally your husband (in my case) has convinced you (dont ask me how, it was really hard for him) to finally drag yourself to that exercise cycle that had been gathering dust all those days. You work out, diet, drink vegetable juice, stop eating all those yummies and it pays off. Your family feels great about your new avatar. You can finally fit into those old pair of jeans which you had hidden in your cupboard for your daughter's legacy and had to resize most of your ballooning kurtis. In general you feel wonderful, accomplished. Then our Miss/Mrs truly arrives, the new you stand before her as a surprise, wait for her reaction...nothing. She goes around the house, appreciates even the new footmat you have put near the kitchen sink but 'fails' to have noticed the 'big' difference. As she steps out the door, she pats your tummy and says, "Time for a tummy tuck..." And you feel defeated...

8. You are excitedly describing the holiday you had with your family in a resort, which she had suggested and had gone before umpteen times. She seems interested for a while, but then asks you, "Did you play in the pool?" You look disaapointed, "No, it was under renovation". She looks releived for the first time and adds, "I am so happy about the pool, we didnt miss the fun after all."

9. You decide to go real trendy today to church ( in my case), so you dress up really cool, with silver jewelry and dangling earrings. Your husband tells you, you looked as good without them, you disagree. Her eyes travel all over you and she looks surprised. You wince when she finally says in front of a huge gathering, " You do look good, I must say, for once."

Yes, I do have great many 'well' wishers in my life but one thing I cannot deny is that they do stick with me through the 'thick' and 'thin' of life and deflates me at regular intervals that I always land up on the ground,though head first, thus ensuring I am always well grounded.

Straight talk

The environmentalists talk about green earth, breathing space, urban forests, replenishing soil, to use resources frugally, never to exhaust them; the economists want us to invest, spend less, save more, buy intelligently; the health gurus are for organic food, daily exercise, control of emotions, meditaion, music, time out in the rain and sunshine, enjoy life and against over exhaustion of the body and mind and for peace of mind ...but when it comes to our children, its WAR!!!
Parents fall over eachother trying to push their kids to the fore front of everything they take part in. The moment a baby is born, the 'art' of comparing begins - How much does he weigh? When did she roll over? When did he walk? Does he talk? Can she write? (the child is just crossing the border of infancy). Can he recite all the rhymes? The list is ofcourse endless...And before he knows anything, a pencil is thrust into his tiny, plump hand and is sqeezed and hurt to make him print the alphabet on paper. The child as he grows up is expected to be both quiet in presence of elders and smart and active when summoned by parents to 'perform' before the guests. She should be talkative, even mouthing big words learnt straight from the adults(Daddy gets so proud when junior imitates him over the phone, even using those swear words reserved for the special occasion) but has to shut her mouth when grown-ups talk. Children are expected to understand the complicated ways of our society and yet are never considered as individuals.We are so quick to label them as naughty, haughty, hyper and dumb at an age when children are just getting used to the new environment, learning the 'rules' of a strange world where a 'yes' could mean 'no' at any point of time depending on situation.
We would buy them anything from candy to those huge 'Transformer' toys just to silence them, so they wouldnt eat our brains out when we are on an important task but turn sour when they become demanding as they do not know an alternative way to contentment in life. To save time, we feed them junk stuff in front of TV, take them out most days and then when they turn to couch potatoes, we blame them to be lazybones. We could have failed every exam in our school days, could have bunked classes, watched movies on the eve of an exam but when it comes to our children, they should be the toppers in every subject, infallible, genuises (though parents can be school dropouts) fighting tooth and nail to get that rank in the class test as if their life depends on it...We demand, threaten, bully, blackmail or even entice to get our child study those boring topics which will be of no use to them when they are out of school/college...
Imagine if that child is special and needs extra care, time, resources for his/her growth. The parents feel burdened, ashamed to be among their peers and the society (I am talking about India) finds it difficult to accept them as normal but makes a point to show extra 'sympathy' which is actually charity packed with low grade pity.

The Bible says that children are a gift from God and every good and perfect gift comes from God. Do we have the right to question or compare the gifts that we receive by grace from God? Is this how we treat a gift from the Creator and Master? Just as a means to satiate our own hidden desires and unfulfilled dreams? We who can spend loads of money on objects of comfort are so stingy when it comes to giving a little encouragement, appreciation and patience. We can never seem to accept a change in our plans that we have made for our children which inculdes, choosing school, college, activities and finally life partner and even sometimes the lives of their children... Thus an artiste would end up suturing a mutilated body, a creative writer might be typing out those stupid codes (which can even be done by a tenth grade student) or a singer might be in the din of concrete mixers and hum of jackhammers...
Why cant we leave them to grow up in their own pace? Why do we expect them to be great achievers? The world is not filled with successful people alone, remember? Why wouldnt we want them to be caring, sharing, loving, soft spoken, individuals who are genuine by nature? Let them be spontaneuos, creative, imaginative, free, enjoying their place in the family and society. Let them not feel burdened to prove out their worth to those very people who are responsible in bringing them to this world and upon whom they are totally dependent on. No matter if they are slow in learning, needs an extra chance everyday, not a smarty, not dextrous, not profecient in anything in particular. Let them be as they are but let them feel acceptable atleast to us, their parents. Let them feel secure, be confident, be an overcomer, stable, honest and be comfortable and proud in their own skin. If this is achieved I would say the child has learnt to live happily in our world.

A confession

One thing I have resolved to do is to stop being passive when I see injustice in front of me. There is something I want to confess that has dogged me for quite few months. This was end of last year, we were on our way to church ( as usual we were late, had parked the car and were in a hurry to get to the other side of the road, which was already brimming with sunday traffic). A family of three, husband wife and child passed us by, obviously they were from the same church attending an earlier service, I thought. Then we heard some noises from behind. We turned around and were shocked to see the white kurta clad husband hitting a tramp with a lathi 'borrowed' from an onlooking security guard!! Whatever could have happened? I looked at Manoj and saw him equally confused. The man continued to attack the beggar, who had his hands folded as if pleading to stop the violence, while the wife and child watched silently. Could it be that the beggar was an eve-teaser caught red-handed? Mean while, the kurta man seemed to have seen the stupor on our face, "This dirty beggar was talking filth about our Jesus, I can never forgive such atrocity", he explained. By the time we both recovered, the family had left, husband walking in front, head held high, with a mission accomplished attitude, wife followed with the baby clinging on to her. The security looked amusedly at the lathi which was now broken in two and the man in rags was limping away, still wimpering, the damage had been done. For a few seconds neither of us could talk, we felt ashamed, of ourselves for being so dumb and selfish that we couldnt stop that man, ashamed of such fellow 'brothers' who have taken the teachings of our Lord to 'such' heights where retaliation has taken the place of love and forgiveness, ashamed that we are far away from our Master, who cried out even in His moment of greatest agony, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they are doing", while nailed to the cross half-naked, spat upon by the guards, his flesh hanging on to his bones, bleeding, punished, for the 'crime' of revealing His identity. Wonder when we ever will know the true meaning of being 'crucified' with Christ and being hidden in Him.

A Paradox

When everyone is harping about the great Indian rising and the powerful, gluttonous Indian middle class, I just thought what a paradox this is. On one side we have high rising flats and malls and the other side tucked away in some dark corner of the same city, we have the slum dwellers in their ramshackle tenements and rickety shacks. When models drape designer rags and size zero somethings and proudly exhibit their 'acquired' jutting shoulder blades from strict diets on orange juice, we have scores in the streets and bylanes on similar attire(which were never designed by those fashionistas) where a size zero might prove too large for their frail bodies. We have NGOs and other organizations doing all they can to bring awareness on AIDS and STDs and even whole commisions to debate over sex education for school going children and yet the tourist spots across the nation has seen an increase in sex tourists and paedophiles, notwithstanding the drug traffickers all of which interestingly enjoy backing from higher ups. When our country boasts of thousands of schools and colleges (mostly private that are really flourishing businesses just like our many hospitals), primary education for all children, stopping child labour and safety for children, let me not forget the many innocent, ignorant, voiceless, hapless little ones who are thrown into the streets everyday to fend for themselves and end up being used by some perverted jerk for his pleasure, who might even be a policeman, who was supposed to be their guardian. The women's comission and feminists shout out loud their great achievements over the years and point out the independent, self sufficient Indian woman of today but we often forget that the independent Indian woman is still scared to work night shifts and dare not travel even in a bus after 10 in the evening alone and that the female to male ratio is off-balance owing to female foeticide rampant even in cities and what about all those women who ended their lives after being outraged and branded never able to handle the ridicule from the society they were part of, those who are tortured by husband/relatives for dowry (which according to history was abolished years back) and many more...When we get proud of our financial stability that can overcome even the feared inflation and aid us to purchase an apartment in the heart of the city, we shamelessly forget those who have opted for one meal a day diet and no vegetable/protein diets to just get through each day...Isnt it a paradox? I do dearly love my country but sometimes I feel I will never understand it fully...

Back to school

First day to school, first day to school(not exactly the first first, but the third first...yawn)...and today I had to drag myself out of bed to fix Abhishek's lunch and snacks and get him ready while Manoj got ready for work...another year of homeworks and exams and projects and stuff which I thought had safely got rid off somewhere after(or was it before?) passing out of college. Abhishek is forever cool as a cucumber while his mother gets all tensed up over his monthly tests and assignments and ofcourse his father feigns ignorance, which is not unusual, and urges son to watch cricket with him. And now ofcourse our new edition in our family, Kia, tagging along beside me, with hands out stretched demanding her daily hugs, squeezes and kisses which is mostly 24/7. Yes I am excited about school...

Culture shock!!!

This happened many many years ago, when we were just out of college. While me and Manoj were planning, contemplating, struggling, enjoying and altogether being adventurous in our marriage with a meagre income, in Kochi, our friends and batch mates were either landing up in cushy jobs or migrating to USA for higher education. So far so good. Now, when I met one of my friends for her wedding (she opted to get married, migrate and then study in promised land, wasnt that clever of her?)Well, after the priliminaries, we got into deeper gossips and then she spoke of a classmate who went to US of A for further studies, had come back to India and couldnt stand the life out here. She had a culture shock!! Oh my gosh!!! This was Deja Vu for me. My father had told me this one years back. His cousin brother, a very young man then, had been sent to Dubai by his uncles (includes my grandpa) following his father's death and as he had to take care of his mother and two sisters who were still studying in school. The boy was intelligent and hardworking and soon was working with a good firm and after few years, his mother found him a bride and the couple settled in Dubai. Now is the best part, he comes back to visit his mother and sisters but refuses to stay in the house he was born in!! The reason, the place is too hot and dusty. So every time he visits his mother, he stays in a hotel and moves about in air conditioned taxicab in good old Bangalore. Wow! Some culture shock!

Praise and Worship, as I understand it

Praise and Worship is an integral part of any practising christian today and am quite sure that most are aware of the 'what' of it. But just a recap- praise is all about what God has done in our lives and Worship is what is due to Him for who He is. Now, Ive often wondered about the 'how' of the matter. How do I really express my appreciation and my awe to the Almighty?
Is it just by singing all those beautiful songs with weighty lyrics (For the naive, it is fast numbers for praise and slow ones for worship)?
Or is it by bowing/handlifting/prostrating/waving/clapping/jumping etc? Does it end there? One thing that struck me was that as Jesus points out in John that God is Spirit and we ought to worship Him in spirit and in truth, so it doesnt just involve our bodily actions or our vocal cords. It is beyond the flesh. It involves the spirit within us.
I have often experienced an aloofness in my mind and spirit even when my body was performing those actions of devotions. And one thing I understood is that people can be easily fooled by my outward piety and I have seen that we all are good actors. Our heart, our inner self, can be completely detached from what we do and yet we so well deceive everybody around us. How often have we pasted our best smiles for our rivals while our heart was bitter and even scheming the worst for them. Maybe, what I have described so far happens to me alone, and I thank God that you are such a perfect human being!
Alright now for all those imperfect humans like me, let me continue...
So here's my question - even if I put all my heart, spirit, soul, strength in singing a song and really do mean it when I sing unto God, does my job of praising and worshiping Him end there?
My relationship with God has always evolved through my relationship with others. From my marriage I knew about love unconditional, forgiveness, the importance of being faithful, about trust and commitment. When I became a mother I could feel, atleast in lower degrees the kind of love God has for us as a Father. Just so, I understand that to appreciate my husband, I neednt sing songs the whole day to him (it would be so boring, especially when you are not a good singer)but I would show it through words and actions. I might even praise him in front of others to show how much I care about him and about what he did for me. If I really love him, I would never want to hurt him on purpose and my actions would speak better than hollow words. (This applies the other way round too).
So praise and worship doesnt really involve songs alone, it is just the tip of the icecream, cream of the cake, whatever, as long as you catch my point. The real thing is to be obedient to God, to be real followers of Christ and His principles (if we really worship Him). And how do we do it, but to show Christ-likeness in theraltionships He has placed us on earth, This is our real witness, much more deep and powerful than when we stand on a podium, preach and leave the place for good. Let them see the real 'me' and 'you' devoid of our masks. Let them see what we are made of , same as they are but the difference being our obedience to our Lord Jesus, Who prompts us to stand up each time we fall, to forgive, to endure, to show mercy, to encourage, to lend a helping hand and to shower love, expecting nothing back. That is the hardest part (wish we could just sing away to glory) but this, I understand, is true praise and worship.

For the unsung Obama loyals of India

Everybody who is anybody has to be an Obama supporter these days, though this might not directly or indirectly effect your mundane lives. This has turned out to be a real fad now. Be an Obama fan or be out of the circuit!! Whoa! so its... me too!! Oh! why should i sound so colorless eh? I did enjoy listening and reading those war of words hurled between the would-be democrat nominees (esp. Hillary's unfailing optimism, her 'toothy' smiles, her laughs that could ward off any 'jerk' from bringing up some silly contradictions in her speech etcetera) even when inflation struck indian market and prices for gas(not just petrol but LPG, remember I am in India) skyrocketed and Nepal buried its centuries old monarchy and BJP formed its governement in Karnataka and ofcourse uncle Musharraf is quite adamant in his policies and grand uncle sardari is eyeing the pres. seat). Really sad that Hillary decided to endorse Obama. Just when things were getting really juicy...nevermind just have to wait for 2012 hmmm. And ofcourse I did enjoy those Obama speeches...really soul stirring, heart warming, tear jerking inspiring talk that can change any heart os stone into... something else...i just remembered those martians in Mars Attacks when Jack Nicolson as Pres. extends his hand for peace...and then, phummm...hope those terrrorsits wont have that sort of attitude problem....